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Sunday, May 21, 2006
... have an eventful day.
- lose you contact lenses in the early morning and find them again hours later on a booger sock next to three crumbled pieces of japanese, salad flavoured cookies.
- eat salad flavoured cookies.
- have swift and elegant breakfast by drinking the old milk which has now halfway turned into cheese and bares special nutritional value.
- found an ant collony
- name ant collony
- find spiritual soulmate
- name spiritual soulmate
- for intellectual kick, ponder on the meaning of: life, death, hunger, world war, uglieness, salad flavoured cookies
- apply for nobel peace price
- design pamphlet for emergency situation of choice (recommended scenarios: running out of clean undies, loosing sanity)
Posted at 00:50 by tizi
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Wednesday, May 17, 2006
The Pistachio tree (Pistacia vera, Anacardiaceae) is a small tree up to 10 m tall, native to mountainous regions of central Asia such as the Kopet Dag mountains of Turkmenistan. It has deciduous pinnate leaves 10-20 cm long.  Pistachip Recepies (please eat the fruit and not the tree). Pistachio Ice Cream 2 cups heavy cream, chilled 1 cup whole milk, chilled 1 cup coarsely chopped Heart of the Desert Pistachios nuts 1 cup sugar 1/2 teaspoon vanilla extract 1 drop green food coloring (optional) Place ingredients in a medium mixing bowl and combine until well blended. Pour into freezer bowl, turn the machine on and let mix until mixture thickens, about 20-25 minutes. If desired, transfer ice cream to an airtight container and place in freezer until firm, about 2 hours. Makes 12 (1/2 cup) servings.
Posted at 02:25 by tizi
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Thursday, May 04, 2006
i am nothing but a loser. i am, someone says, nobody. i hate everyday in this world. my life is forever backwards. love is suffering with despair. life is full of shit and very boring. the whole world is depressing. kill others to survive. lonely from now til the end.
Posted at 03:21 by tizi
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When I was young, it seemed that life was so wonderful,
a miracle, oh it was beautiful, magical.
And all the birds in the trees, well they'd be singing so happily,
joyfully, playfully watching me.
But then they send me away to teach me how to be sensible,
logical, responsible, practical.
And they showed me a world where I could be so dependable,
clinical, intellectual, cynical.
Posted at 03:17 by tizi
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Saturday, April 01, 2006
a new mother is lying in bed in the hospital, waiting to see her new born for the first time.
the doctor rushes into the bedroom, throws the baby in his arms to the floor and starts kicking it around the room.
the mother screams and begs the doctos to stop.
"what are you doing to my baby?!" she screams.
"april fools," laughs the doctor, "he was already dead!"
Posted at 16:13 by tizi
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Saturday, March 11, 2006
i want to brush my teeth by licking them. i want to pee without getting up. i want to shop without spending money. i want to have friends without being friendly. i want to watch tv without wasting time. i want to scratch myself with hard objects. i want to eat free food without getting full. i want nail polish that peels off. i want a machine to make hot chocolate and a waiter to operate it. i want to make everyone who doesn't agree with me explode. i want to have adhd to fit in. i want to have an excuse for being a bitch. i want time to stand still, but my waches never. i want everything to last forever. i want chocolate umbrellas and i want to get drunk off water.
...i just want you to know that, when we talk about war, we're really talking about peace...
Posted at 15:17 by tizi
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Thursday, February 23, 2006
A white minority of the world has spent centuries conning us into thinking that a white skin makes people superior - even though the only thing it really does is make the more subject to ultraviolet rays and to wrinkles. Male human beings have built whole cultures around the idea that penis envy is "natural" to women - though having such an unprotected organ might be said to make men vulnerable, and the power to give birth makes womb envy at least as logical.
In short, the characteristics of the powerful, whatever they may be, are thought to be better than the characteristics of the powerless - and logic has nothing to do with it.
What would happen, for instance, if suddenly, magically, men could menstruate and women could not?
The answer is clear - menstruation would become an enviable, boast-worthy, masculine event:
Men would brag about how long and how much.
Boys would mark the onset of menses, that longed-for proof of manhood, with religious ritual and stag parties.
Congress would fund a National Institute of Dysmenorrhea to help stamp out monthly discomforts.
Sanitary supplies would be federally funded and free. (Of course, some men would still pay for the prestige of commercial brands such as John Wayne Tampons, Muhammad Ali's Rope-a-dope Pads, Joe Namath Jock Shields - "For Those Light Bachelor Days," and Robert "Baretta" Blake Maxi-Pads.)
Military men, right-wing politicians, and religious fundamentalists would cite menstruation ("men-struation") as proof that only men could serve in the Army ("you have to give blood to take blood"), occupy political office ("can women be aggressive without that steadfast cycle governed by the planet Mars?"), be priest and ministers ("how could a woman give her blood for our sins?") or rabbis ("without the monthly loss of impurities, women remain unclean").
Male radicals, left-wing politicians, mystics, however, would insist that women are equal, just different, and that any woman could enter their ranks if she were willing to self-inflict a major wound every month ("you MUST give blood for the revolution"), recognize the preeminence of menstrual issues, or subordinate her selfness to all men in their Cycle of Enlightenment. Street guys would brag ("I'm a three pad man") or answer praise from a buddy ("Man, you lookin' good!") by giving fives and saying, "Yeah, man, I'm on the rag!" TV shows would treat the subject at length. ("Happy Days": Richie and Potsie try to convince Fonzie that he is still "The Fonz," though he has missed two periods in a row.) So would newspapers. (SHARK SCARE THREATENS MENSTRUATING MEN. JUDGE CITES MONTHLY STRESS IN PARDONING RAPIST.) And movies. (Newman and Redford in "Blood Brothers"!)
Men would convince women that intercourse was more pleasurable at "that time of the month." Lesbians would be said to fear blood and therefore life itself - though probably only because they needed a good menstruating man.
Of course, male intellectuals would offer the most moral and logical arguments. How could a woman master any discipline that demanded a sense of time, space, mathematics, or measurement, for instance, without that in-built gift for measuring the cycles of the moon and planets - and thus for measuring anything at all? In the rarefied fields of philosophy and religion, could women compensate for missing the rhythm of the universe? Or for their lack of symbolic death-and-resurrection every month?
Liberal males in every field would try to be kind: the fact that "these people" have no gift for measuring life or connecting to the universe, the liberals would explain, should be punishment enough.
And how would women be trained to react? One can imagine traditional women agreeing to all arguments with a staunch and smiling masochism. ("The ERA would force housewives to wound themselves every month": Phyllis Schlafly. "Your husband's blood is as sacred as that of Jesus - and so sexy, too!": Marabel Morgan.) Reformers and Queen Bees would try to imitate men, and pretend to have a monthly cycle. All feminists would explain endlessly that men, too, needed to be liberated from the false idea of Martian aggressiveness, just as women needed to escape the bonds of menses envy. Radical feminist would add that the oppression of the nonmenstrual was the pattern for all other oppressions ("Vampires were our first freedom fighters!") Cultural feminists would develop a bloodless imagery in art and literature. Socialist feminists would insist that only under capitalism would men be able to monopolize menstrual blood . . . .
In fact, if men could menstruate, the power justifications could probably go on forever.
If we let them.
Posted at 19:51 by tizi
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Saturday, January 28, 2006
Zardoz: The gun is good. The penis is evil. The penis shoots seeds, and makes new life, and poisons the earth with a plague of men, as once it was. But the gun shoots death, and purifies the earth of the filth of brutals. Go forth and kill! Zardoz has spoken!
http://www.badmovies.org/movies/zardoz/zardoz2.wav
Posted at 18:41 by tizi
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Tuesday, January 17, 2006
 "Beware! Beware of the big green dragon that sits on your doorstep. He eats little boys... Puppy dog tails, and BIG FAT SNAILS... Beware... Take care... Beware!" Glen or Glenda? Only the infinity of the depths of a man's mind can really tell the story.
Posted at 21:50 by tizi
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Friday, January 13, 2006
Hello, this is the offices of Dr. Octagon. If you have insurance and medical problems, I'm here for you for any type of intestine surgery, rectal rebuilding, relocated saliva glands... and chimpanzee acne! And of course moose bumps. You can call 1-800PP51-DooDoo. I'm in your corner.
Posted at 20:59 by tizi
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